1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.

6. Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.

9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people

14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt

23.Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean

24.Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

25.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

26.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

27.What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

28.The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

29.Chuck Norris once showed up at Google and demanded that they rename their search engine "Chuck Norris." When they refused, Chuck roundhouse kicked Google in the face, transforming it's bruised remains into Google Dark.

30.Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

31.If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

32.If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

33.Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.

34.Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

35.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

36.Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

37.The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.

38.Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

39.Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

40.While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, Chuck Norris's poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against Chuck Norris is to play online, and even then you still might go insane.

41.When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

42.Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

43.Q: What's 30 times Chuck Norris?
A: Oblivion.

44.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

45.In conversation, Chuck Norris often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.

46.Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

47.February 29th only occurs once every four years because Chuck Norris wills it to be so.

48.Chuck Norris really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.

49.There's an old Chuck Norris saying: "He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules." It's one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can "have" Chuck Norris.

50.Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

51.A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

52.Chuck Norris once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree blackbelts, and was the most formidable adversary Chuck Norris ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.

53.When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

54.Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

55.There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

56.If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

the list of norrises godlyness. take care.

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